Time Flies!

Is it seriously the end of April already?!? I feel like I had so much more to get done. But that's how I feel all the time.

A year ago today I married my best friend. I can't believe how different things are in just one year. Last year at this time Chloe was 23 weeks and we were getting ready to find out that she was indeed a she. We had our quiet wedding just like we wanted, but honestly we talked more about our baby plans.

Chloe is eight months old now. She's thinking about crawling (the back end works, front end not so much), she's finally sitting well, and she's still sleeping terribly. I have no idea what to do there. I've become somewhat of a zombie. I keep hoping there's an end in sight.

Today we went to the Great Cloth Diaper Change event. It was an interesting experience (my organized control freak side was having a slight panic attack) but was fun. John took some pictures of Chloe and I and when I looked at them I wanted to cry. My weight is getting way out of control.

I'm so lost as to where to start. I've always been either thin or fat. Never really in-between. When I was thin it was not because I was healthy. I was starving myself and purging what I did eat. I do not want to restrict my diet much now because I don't want it to kill my milk supply. But I do need to make better choices. Breastfeeding makes me so hungry! And it makes me want sweets, which I never wanted before. I need to eat more veggies and less processed food. I need to make it my new obsession, but I'm almost scared to because of where I've been before. I could drop 50 pounds in two months if I wanted to, but that wouldn't be good for me or Chloe.

The weight thing is getting me down though. I weigh more now than I did before I got pregnant. Nothing fits. I'll be honest, sometimes I still wear maternity jeans (insert yucky face here). I don't want Chloe to grow up with me being so overweight. I want her to see me as healthy and active.

Time to devise a plan!

And here's a recent pic of my love. She's growing up way too fast.

C-Section

I gave birth via c-section when I had Chloe. Prior to finding out that it would be what we had to have, I was planning an unmedicated natural birth. But Miss Chloe had other plans. She was frank breech with her little hips stuck in the birth canal. While I am aware that vaginal breech births are possible, it was not a risk I was willing to take.

When I found out about my c-section I was disappointed but didn't really think about it too much. I've had plenty of surgeries and am thankful for modern medical practices. The surgery went off without any major issues. I didn't feel a thing, my doctor was very sweet, and most importantly my baby was born healthy.

Throughout the last seven and a half months I've reflected on my birth experience from time to time. When Chloe was about a month old I remember being upset because I didn't know what to call my experience. I didn't feel like I had given birth. I didn't know if it was fair to those who had vaginal births for me to say that I gave birth. In reality my baby was cut out of me. I still have not come to terms with what to call it. I still feel weird saying that I gave birth.

I never felt really sad about my c-section a week ago. One of my sorority sisters gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl. I'm so happy for her and her fiancé. They are going to be great parents. Her birth got me thinking of my own and I began to think more and more about my c-section. I guess I haven't really put my feelings about it behind me, I sort of just buried them. I'm not really sure what to do. It's quite frustrating. I'm so thankful for my baby, but I still wonder everyday what it would have been like if I had really had the birth I wanted. I'm a bit lost there.

On a lighter note, here's a new picture I took last week of my girl. She's so beautiful :)